You can begin authoring your life and thereby gaining clarity about your love choices, your emotional predilections. I would like to stress at this point that one possible etiology of sadism are repressed homoerotic wishes that, instead of being joyfully admitted and embraced, became charged with fear and disgust.
When as a man I want to punish women by acting out sadistically on females, what my behavior expresses is anger, and not love; then I reject women rather than embracing them. This anger may be a result of my unconscious homoerotic desires, and it may dissolve once I give green light for engaging in a same sex adventure.
What I am saying is that homoerotic wishes are a natural add-on to our sexual completeness, without for that reason rendering us ‘a homosexual’ or ‘a lesbian.’ These emotional predilections for partners of the same sex are most of the time transitory, and mark certain phases or periods in our lives. They are for most people not a fixated sexual condition, in the sense of being either-or choices. It may be like in the yin-yang formula. In the black circle that represents yin energy, there is a small white circle that stands for the growing part of yang within the overwhelming part of yin. This small white yang circle will thus grow until it is as large as the black yin circle, while the latter will diminish to a smaller size and reside in the large white yang circle.
Thus what we have here is not a static idea, but a living dynamic movement, a steady transformation. Yin plus a little yang inside transforms into yang plus a little yin inside and back again. What this means, translated into less abstract terms, is that every man once in a while becomes woman and every woman once in a while becomes man. As a man, you are composed not only of male but also of female characteristics; you are actually a mix of male and female ingredients. In your individual emotional identity code is contained also an information to what extent you are yang and to what extent you are yin. You can look it up using astrology or numerology. For example in my astrological chart I saw with some surprise that my own mix, while I am a man, is composed of 55% yin and 45% yang, which means that in terms of my unique emotional ID tag, I am predominantly yin or female.
Thus, at the start of your finding out about yourself, and inquiring in the roots of your sadistic desires, you should check in which way you may be locked into rejecting certain sexual fantasies and experiences. You just have to inquire using your fantasy, and letting your imagination grow wild; then, see what happens in the little films that you make up in your mind.
I have never repressed my bisexuality. I know that sexual arousal for a partner of equal gender and age can come about. It comes about not spontaneously in many cases, that is true, but as a possible result of deep affection and the voluntary giving-up of any idea of machismo, domination, control and moralistic righteousness.
It can come about when two men or women share a deep friendship. It may come about. Or it may not. I am speaking about an option. I do not say that all people should have sex with their friends. We are not talking here about what we ought to do, but what we possibly wish to do and can do if we wish it and as long as we wish it. I am talking about affection and sexual options. I am saying that it is silly to exclude per se any possibility of sex with a same sex partner.
Nature has not written anywhere that we should go to bed only with partners of the other sex. On the other hand, it would be silly to force ourselves to any fashionable concept of bisexuality if we really can’t make sense of the idea. What I am saying is that you should check out where you possibly and unconsciously have violated your own nature somewhere, somehow, in the past, perhaps when as a youngster obeying to conditioning rules, or by conditioning yourself to what seemed to be ‘acceptable behavior’. Put away this self-imposed restriction and liberate yourself from the energetic constriction that goes along with it. There is no acceptable behavior, period! When you start from here, you will namely realize more options for attaining emotional and sexual wholeness than you thought. And when you start to think on these lines, on lines of pleasure, namely, your sadism will automatically go down the river, for sadism is anti-pleasure; sadism is a form of distorted thinking on the lines of coercion!
Sadism acts out like society does, like the law does, like most of our governments and most of our religions do. Sadism is conditioned behavior. Pleasure-seeking, on the other hand, is natural behavior. Again, to be very clear, you should not force any change in behavior, you should not apply a paradigm to your life that you find unfit for yourself. But you may inquire how you might be blocked or have been conditioned into something that is not your total being, your original being; then you stay with the question.
You simply stay with that question without searching an answer. The answer will come when you have forgotten about the question.
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